Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread]

[BaliHai]

Elmer, the farmer, went into town to retrieve his monthly supplies. The clerk noticed Elmer was displaying a sad face and asked what was wrong.

Elmer stated that his wife, Clara, was wearing him out as she was a nymphomaniac and that he was worn out trying to satisfy her.

The Clerk said "Why don't you put a shotgun on your tractor and when you are way out on the back of the farm you can give a blast in the air to signal to her that you are ready for sex."

This would require her to run all the way to him to get serviced and she would have to return all the way back to the farmhouse. In this way it might lessen some of her demands. Elmer agreed that it was a good idea and would give it a try .

The following month Elmer returned for more supplies with the same sad look on his face. The clerk inquired what was wrong.

Elmer responded, "Didn't you hear? Clara died unexpectedly."

The clerk said that he hadn't heard and asked what happened.

Elmer said, "Well, You remember that suggestion that you gave me?"

The clerk said "Yes."

"Well, It was a good one and worked just fine the first week. Then pheasant season came along and she ran herself to death."

[BaliHai]

This man had been having a few beers down at the neighborhood bar. It was dark out and he was walking home by a park when nature called so he stepped behind a hedge to relieve himself. To his and their surprise a couple were going at it on the grass and he almost stepped on them. The guy got up and and took off running. The man could see the naked outline of the gal’s bare legs as she continued to lie there while he relieved himself. He could feel his interest grow as he finished.

Without a word he got down and took advantage of the situation. She embraced him and showed her willingness. Just as they were both getting into it hot and heavy a cop walked by and shined his flashlight on them saying, "What the hell do you think your doing, this is a public park."

The man said, "But officer this is my wife."

The officer said, "Oh, I didn't know she was your wife."

The man said, "Neither did I until you shined your light on her."

[BaliHai]

A fruit farmer hired two new workers for his fields, but before he sent them out for the day's work, he told them he had just one rule: don't steal any fruit. The two agreed to obey the rule.

After the day was over, the two workers came in to report to the farmer. He asked them if they had stolen any fruit, and immediately their conscience forced them to tell the truth.

"Yes, we did. We ate some when we got hungry," they said.

The farmer replied, "Ok, here is your punishment. I want each of you to go pick ten of your favorite fruit and come back to me."

The men couldn't believe their ears. This seemed more like a reward than a punishment!

After fifteen minutes, the first thief came back with ten cherries. The farmer promptly told him that as part of his punishment, he would have to stuff each cherry up his nose. The thief was upset about this, but he knew he had done wrong, so he slowly began to push the cherries up his nose one by one.

As he was working on the third cherry, he began to laugh hysterically. The farmer asked him, "What's so funny?"

The thief replied, "The other guy is out there picking watermelons!"

[BaliHai]

A little boy and girl are sitting in a sandbox when they both stood up and their pants fell off and they asked each other "what's that" pointing to their private parts.

So they ran home and the little boy asked his father what it was and dad answered" that's your truck, try to park it in as many garages as you can."

The little girl asked her mother the same question and she said "that's your garage and don't let any boy park his truck there."

So the next day the little girl comes running home yelling "mommy, mommy a boy tried to park his truck in my garage so I knocked his fucking wheels off."

[BaliHai]

This German tourist was on a bus tour of Castilla during the summer that had a stop at this old convent. The tour wasn't that interesting and he managed to stay behind and start wandering. Feeling the urge, he stopped to pee on the outside wall of the chapel. While he was doing his business, the Mother Superior surprised him. "OH! I am soo sorry!"

"No," she replied. "Actually, I've never seen a man's...You know. Could I take a look?"

A nun asking to see his works freaked out the tourist but it was kinda kinky in a way, so he figured, what the hell. The nun looked at it for a bit and as he was about to put it away she said, "You know, I always wanted to touch it. Would you mind...?"

"This is really weird, but sure." The tourist was getting really exited. Who could say that a nun had tossed you off?

"Could you take it all out so that I can get a complete experience?" the nun requested.

The tourist, sure that he was about to get laid, willingly took down his pants. The nun began fondling his testicles and suddenly straightened, and said, "Don't (SQUEEZE) piss (SQUEEZE) on the (SQUEEZE) church (SQUEEZE) walls!!!!!!!!!!!"

[BaliHai]

FIVE RULES TO LIVE BY:


1. It's important to have a woman who helps at home, who cooks from time to time, cleans up and has a job.

2. It's important to have a woman who can make you laugh.

3. It's important to have a woman who you can trust and who doesn't lie to you.

4. It's important to have a woman who is good in bed and who likes to be with you.

5. It's very, very important that these four women do not know each other

[BaliHai]

An 18-year-old suicide bomber blew himself up and appeared before Allah. He said, "Oh, Allah, I did your bidding, but I have a request. Since I'm only 18 and spent all my time in terrorist training school, I never was with a woman. So, instead of 72 virgins, who also won't know what to do sexually, can I have 72 whores?"

Allah regarded him for a moment, then replied,"Actually, the 72 virgins are here in heaven because assholes like you murdered them before they could experience the pleasure of sex. So 'you're' here to service 'them.' Since they're virgins, they're quite sexually ravenous; and, frankly, you'll be on constant, exhausting duty."

The bomber responded, "Well, I guess I can live with that. How hard can it be to keep 72 women satisfied for all eternity?" And Allah replied,

"Who said they were women?"

[BaliHai]

One day this old man was about to have sex with an eighteen-year-old girl, who he did not know. The old man began to put on his condom when the young girl asked him why he is putting one on.

She said "you don't have to worry about getting me pregnant because you are too old and you don't have to worry about catching anything because you are going to die pretty soon anyway".

The old man continued to put on his condom he then looked up at the girl and said, "young girl the reason I am putting on this condom isn't because I am afraid of getting you pregnant or catching anything. I just like the scent of burning rubber."

[~oyster~]

Make a Wish

A boy was walking down the road when he noticed an old geezer with an unusually small head. The curious boy walked up to the geezer and said, “Hey mister! Why the hell is your head so small?”

The old man looked at the boy and replied, “Boy, if I wasn’t so damn old, I’d give you a beating… but since you remind me of myself at your age, I’ll tell you.”

The boy listened curiously as the geezer explained, “One day I was fishing on the pier when I got a huge bite… And, I said to myself, ‘Holy shit! I’ve caught a whale!’”

“No kidding?” pried the boy. The geezer continued, “But, when I reeled it up, to my surprise, it was a gorgeous mermaid! Well, she looked at me in tremendous fright and said she’d grant me one wish if I let her free…”

“And?” interjected the boy. “Well, after some quick thought, I looked at her and said, ‘How about a little head?’”

[~oyster~]

Sexy Panties

My frustrated wife decided our sex life needed alittle spicing up. So, after work she went shopping and picked up a fancy pair of crotchless panties. She went home and slid the new garment on and selected a short skirt to go with it.

She greeted me when I came home from work and sat down on the couch across from me. She slowly spread her legs... then said "Honey would you like some of this?" I took a moment, then said "Hell no, look what it’s done to your underwear!"

[~oyster~]

What A Night

John woke up after the annual Spring office party with a pounding headache, cotton-mouthed and utterly unable to recall the events of the preceding evening. After a trip to the bathroom, he made his way downstairs, where his wife put some coffee in front of him.

"Louise," he moaned, "tell me what happened last night. Was it as bad as I think?"

"Even worse," she said, her voice oozing scorn. "You made a complete ass of yourself. You succeeded in antagonising the entire board of directors and you insulted the president of the company, right to his face."

"He's an asshole," John said. "Piss on him."

"You did," came the reply. "And he fired you."

"Well, screw him!" said John.

"I did. You go back work on Monday."

[~oyster~]

Female compassion

A man was sitting on a blanket at the beach. He had no arms and no legs. Three women were walking past and felt sorry for the poor man.

The first woman said, "Have you ever had a hug?" The man said "No," so she gave him a hug and walked on.

The second woman said, "Have you ever had a kiss?" The man said, "No," so she gave him a kiss and walked on.

The third woman came to him and said, "Have you ever been screwed?" The fellow said, "No." She said, "You will be when the tide comes in."

[~oyster~]

Little Indian Boy

A Indian boy goes to his mother one day with a puzzled look on his face. "Say Mom, why is my bigger brother named Mighty Storm?" The mother replied "Because he was conceived during a mighty storm."

The little Indian boy then asked "Why is my sister named Cornflower?" "Well your father and I were in a cornfield when we made her", she replied.

Next he asked "And why is my other sister called Moonchild?" "We were watching the moon-landing when she was conceived", the mother replies.

The mother then paused, looked at her son inquisitively and asked... "Tell me, Torn Rubber, why are you so curious?"

[PEACELUVER]

thanks for the jokes, had a gd laugh

[VeriSign]

thanks everyone for sharing jokes here.
some of them are really funny but some are not.
still thanks for sharing.